Everyone is downstairs drinking lots of alcohol and dancing. House music is banging away. The wedding took place a few hours ago, followed by lots of food. I sat next to the horsderves for a while, staring at goldfish crackers going stale from the recent rain a few minutes back and wondered exactly what to do with myself. Perhaps it is because I am such an introvert, but I have felt a bit out of place at this gathering. They are "Kramer's friends"-- my husband's friends -- and there is a part of me much more comfortble pulling inwards than reaching out to relate to a different vibration.
Quite frankly I am here to heal. I am burntout beyond burnout. I need to cleanse and restore myself and be nourished. To me, Hawaii represents purity, cleansing, health, nature and connection to spirituality. I'm pretty clear that doing a week long house party here in Maui is not my my passport to personal transformation. I've tried to be a part of the wedding group-- after all, I am grateful they invited us to join their celebration and all. I don't want to seem like the standoffish one. But I am seeking a whole different level of consciousness than what is going on here.
Before I came upstairs to blog, one tipsy girl leaned over and said, " So tell me about your best friend." I could tell she was wanting to make conversation and connect. But honestly I didn't know what to say. "I don't have a best friend," I said. A couple people nearby stopped their conversations and looked over, obviously interested. "Well," I continued, a bit embarassed, "I have friends, I guess I just don't have one person who I am super tight with." I kind of wanted to cry when I said that. Suddenly the photographers called for more shots and we all leapt to our feet. I was grateful for the distraction from my life.
Lots of awkward self awareness happening for me here I guess.
Anyways, I am exploring how to be who I truely am called to be even if the entire flock I am flying with is going the opposite direction. Everyone here all thinks I am very eccentric with my salads and raw foods while they do shots and create endless buckets of empty Corona bottles to recycle. Meanwhile, I am drinking at least a couple glasses of wine everyday out of habit of "going along with the party" and then feeling like crap about myself for doing it. Drinking wine doesn't make me physically feel bad, I just get mentally hard on myself since I know it is not a nourishing substance and what I need right now is nourishment. I notice it is harder to connect with my heart center after doing that. I also notice that I have mood swings. Not what I want to create for myself right now.
Outside the waves are crashing. I can feel the wind on my bare shoulders. I should go back downstairs...
Addendum: The following was added after a flood of responses...
I woke up and the first thing I did was reach for the computer. I was totally clear that I had to immediately erase this blog entry! This morning my thought was, "what a pity party that was! I can't believe I did that in front of everyone!". When I opened the laptop and saw there were 5 responses already I was so surpised. I guess it is staying. Heck, we are all human.
Wow! Another day has passed and now so many more comments! (on tribe.net) Thank you everyone... yes, of course! Live life as life is lived in the hoop... in flow. Duh! It is so easy to forget the most obvious insights when you are in the middle of things. Again, it feels so good to know that I am not the only one who has had feelings like this come up! And, as with all things, over a day later, I feel good. Time has gone on, I have been hanging with the crew more and of course everyone is beautiful and wonderful. But what a mental wrangle I had over it. It was very revealing to me about how much I actually isolate myself because of percieved differences. No one else was isolating me! It was all me separating myself because of my own issues. Anyways, thanks again. xo
p.s. The image for this blog entry is a piece of amazing inspirational art by carolynquan.com